Cybersix Funfic
by Lee McBride
Summary: A Cybersix Comedy


New Page 3

Note: This story takes place after The Final Confrontation, i.e. Lucas knows that Adrian is Cybersix.

One crazy night in Merridiana...

... the high school teachers are going to a dance. Yes, that's right, the teachers, not the students. It'stheir annual thank-God-the-school-year's-over-because-I-was-about-to-have-a-nervous-breakdown-and-would've-had-to-beg-for-stress-leave-anyway party.Lucas and Adrian are going together (well, not "together" together... you know what I mean). OK,let's start the scene:

"Ready to go?" Lucas asks Cybersix as she opens her apartment door, dressed as Adrian. (A

redundant question, since Adrian is dressed and coming out side).

"As ready as I'll ever be. " This is the first time Cybersix has gone to the teacher's dance, and she isunderstandably nervous - having never really danced in her life, or gone to a party with her

co-workers for that matter.

Lucas and Cybersix walk side-by-side down the street, neither one of them saying a word. Suddenly the silence of the evening is broken by a vaguely familiar, yelling voice:

"You did what?!"

They are unable to hear the answer to this question.

"You idiot!" The voice is coming from an alley up ahead.

Lucas nudges Cybersix and they stop walking. "Freddie," Lucas whispers. Cybersix nods: Freddy is one of their students. (Ha! I bet you thought it was Jose, didn't you?)

"Oh no, now will we do? She's gonna kill us!"

Ah... now it becomes obvious. They're eavesdropping on the members of Lori's... um, male harem (is there were for that anyway?)

"We're screwed!" Laments Stu, who is the densest one of the bunch (which is saying a whole lot).

"No, that's just it." Freddie says exasperatingly. "We won't be screwed for a long time after this!"

Lucas snorts. Adrian smiles wryly and they walk on.

***

Meanwhile, Deep In The Heart Of The Jungle...

....VonReichter is getting stoned.

"Sylvester!"

"Yes Master?" Sylvester walks into the lab.

VonReichter turns around. "Ah! There you are, my boy. Come in, come in."

Sylvester can see there's something not quite right with his master. VonReichter's hair is sticking up at all angles, his clothes are rumpled, and there's a very peculiar expression on his face. "Is there something wrong, Master?"

"What? Something wrong?" VonReichter giggles like a schoolgirl - a sound Sylvester's never heard him make before. "Goodness no, I'd say everything's going splendidly-" He stops as one of the creatures in the nearby tanks catches his eye. He walks over and starts peering at the thing cockeyed, examining it intently like he's never seen it before in his life.

Sylvester clears his throat. "Um, you wanted to see me for something, Master?"

"Something? Ah, yes." He walks over to his lab bench and picks up a little orange pill. "Lookie what I made! It's a narcotic - and a damn fine one at that, I have to say." He tries to look at the pill closer, but his fingers fumble and he drops it. "I was going to have someone catch a human for me instead of testing it myself, but then I figured, what the Hell, I know what I'm doing, right?" He glares at Sylvester expectantly, his eyes bulging all little.

"Certainly, Master." Sylvester replies diplomatically.

"Anyway, I figure we can sell it to all the little kiddies in Merridiana. Did you make friends with those Goth freaks like I told you to?"

"Yes."

"Oh goodie. We can start with them. See, I'm a little strapped for cash right now, and this'll be a

quick way to make easy money." He grabs a small vial of the pills from the bench, his motions quick and jerky, and hands them to Sylvester. "Go and spread these ones around, and I'll make some more.... just as soon as I can get all these butterflies out of here." He waves his arm around, swatting at the offending hallucinations.

By this time anyone else, even a techno, would be trying to stifle laughter, however we are

unfortunately dealing with Sylvester here. "Um, alright. Is there anything else you need Master?"

VonReichter scratches his head, apparently thinking hard. "Yes there was.... Oh, now I remember! What's Jose been up to? And what's happening with Cybersix?"

"Jose tried to kill her again last night... and failed."

VonReichter groans. "What was it this time?"

"The exploding vial of sustenance... again."

VonReichter rolls his eyes, sighs, and spreads his arms theatrically. "Where did I go wrong with that boy..?" Then his expression changes as an idea suddenly comes to him. "Oh wait a minute, I know...he's just like me!" He cracks up laughing and slams his hand down on the table, apparently finding the whole thing to funny to bear.

Sylvester stiffens up, incensed. "He is not just like you, Master. You are noble and just and wise. Jose is..." He trails off as he realizes that continuing might get him into trouble.

"A self-centered, short-sighted little pervert." VonReichter finishes for him. His face turns nostalgic. "Ah, how he reminds me of myself at that age! It's so nice to have a son following in your footsteps..." he wipes a few tears from the corners of his eyes, reminiscing.

In a minute he gets himself together and begins shooing Sylvester toward the doorway. "Now get out of here. I have work to do. Go and introduce the freaks to my new drug like I told you."

"Um, what shall I call it, Master?"

"Ah yes. Hmm." VonReichter puts a finger to his lips, considering the matter. "Perhaps I'll call it

sustenance. It appeals to my sense of ironing ... Yes, that's it. Now go. And Sylvester, no sampling! With your body chemistry that stuff could very well make you implode."

"Yes Master. As you wish." He turns around and leaves.

****

Back At The Dance....

... Cybersix is standing near the wall with a glass of punch in her hand, just like she expected she'd be. Lucas has just gone off to use the facilities, so she's alone. She watches the couples dancing and sighs, wishing she could come out as herself for once and be able to dance with Lucas. She sighs . Well, at least her alter-ego Adrian is supposed to be a shy man - she doesn't have to ask any of the women to dance in order to keep up appearances.

"Adrian!"

Cybersix turns around to see Camille scurrying toward her.

"There you are! I wasn't sure if you'd come." Camille rushes up and screeches to a halt only a few inches from Cybersix, almost taking her spill her punch. "Well," She says breathlessly. " I'm so glad you made it. Everyone needs to let loose and have fun now and then, you know?" She winks.

Oh, please tell me she's not going to hit on me. Cybersix thinks to herself. She searches for

something safe to say. "Um, the punch is good, don't you think?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes. Good punch. Say," Camille looks shyly up at her. "I've always wondered... what do cultured, intelligent men like yourself to do in their spare time?"

Yep, there's no mistaking it now. That's definitely "The Eye" Camille is giving her. "Well, uh, nothing too exciting I'm afraid..."

"Hi Camille." Cybersix mentally lets out a sigh of relief. Lucas has returned to rescue her (man, now there's something she never thought she'd hear herself think!)

"Oh hi Lucas." Camille replies curtly. Obviously profoundly uninterested in the bigger man, she

returns her attention to Adrian. "I was just going to ask your friend here to dance with me." She

thrusts her hips forward ever so slightly.

"Me? Dance?"

Camille rolls her eyes. "Yes you. Who else? Come on, don't be shy."

"Uh, I really can't dance."

"Yes, yes. That's what they all say."

"No, I mean I really can't." Cybersix says more insistently.

"Oh? And why not?"

"Adrian's seein' someone." Lucas blurts out suddenly. Cybersix looks over at him. Seeing someone, of course; why hadn't she thought of that? But then she notices that Lucas looks a little strange: He's drunk. Oh boy.

"Really?" Camille asks.

Lucas nods his head sagely, as if he'd just revealed the answer to some deep philosophical question.

Camille sighs a little theatrically. "Oh, I suppose I should've known. All the good ones are either gay

or taken. So... just who is this mystery woman? Or man?"

"That's uh, kind of personal." Cybersix stammers. How is it she can calmly face a horde of fixed

ideas led by a psychotic 8-year-old genius, but this fluttering little pixie of a woman makes her

nervous?

"I'll tell you." Lucas chimes in. He leans closer to Camille and whispers conspiratorially: "He's seeing Cybersix."

Camille gasps. "Cybersix!" She yells. A few of the people nearby turn to look at them. Cybersix

forces her heart to slow down while at the same time trying to keep from blushing.

Camille walks up and puts her hands on Cybersix's shoulders. "Oh, Adrian, she's no good for you. Is she so jealous that she won't let you dance with someone else? And if she loves you so much, why isn't he here with you?" Camille shakes her head sadly. "No, you deserve better than that." Her voice takes on a purring tone. "Someone who appreciates the value of a sensitive man-" She leans closer and closer to Cybersix's face.

Cybersix backs up a step and sighs. This isn't the response she was expecting. What ever happened to "the nice guy finishes last?" Since when did women start going for sensitive bookish types like her - like Adrian? She clears her throat. "Uh, Camille, I'm flattered, really, but I'm just not interested."

Camille puts on a pouty face and backs away, fluttering her eyelashes. "Well, if you insist - but it's your loss, baby." She turns around and looks through the crowd. "Jim Clancy! My, where have you been hiding yourself?"

Cybersix lets out a sigh of relief. She turns to Lucas again. "Lot of help you were." She whispers.

He continues to look at her with that lopsided grin, drunk as a skunk. "Shorry." Suddenly Cybersix finds herself thinking that he looks adorable; she doesn't know whether to be disturbed by that or not.

***

And Now, To Add Some Suspense

Data 7 sighs contentedly. He's just returning from hunting in the forest outside Merridiana. Trips to the forest always make him happy - his belly is full to bursting with peccary. Yummy things,

peccaries - much better than any food to be had in the city. He licks his lips again.

Suddenly he hears a noise behind him. Human scent wafts by on the wind. Well, that's no problem - as if he can't outrun a mere human. He gathers himself, but before he can spring off into the bushes, something sharp sticks into his hip. He turns around. A tranquilizer dart. He ignores it and bounds off into the undergrowth, but pretty soon he starts to feel like there are lead weights attached to his legs. Oh, come on! Not only a top predator, but a genetically-enhanced top predator, undone by a

tranquilizer dart? Life is so unfair.

He collapses to the ground and is soon out cold.

***

Out For A Nightcap

Cybersix looks out over the city from the top of a downtown office building. The night is quiet and clear. She can't find Data 7 anywhere, but that doesn't worry her too much; he's probably out hunting... like she is.

She notices a shadow flit across the rooftops several blocks away. Wrapping her black cape around her body as camouflage, she jumps a few buildings over to get a closer look.

The shadow has a human form. That can only mean one thing; it's a type, and a young one by the looks of it. Cybersix sets off in pursuit.

It's not long before she catches up to the unsuspecting type - it's a young girl, maybe 15 years old. She's standing at the doorway leading down into the building they're on.

The girl spins around as she hears Cybersix's foot strike a rock. "You... The Bitch." She says quietly.

"What are you doing?" Cybersix asks mildly, ignoring the type's name calling. She can tell very well the girl is trying to break into the building.

"I was... hey, why should I tell you?"

"This is your first mission, isn't it? You're a little nervous, aren't you? Or is it me your afraid of?"

Cybersix doesn't like being mean, but she can't afford to let a type escape, and it's a useful tactic in this situation.

The girl turns to face her. "I'm not afraid of you. You're nothing but a discontinued model."

"But I'm still bigger and stronger than you are. And you are afraid of me."

Backed into a corner and unable to think of a good comeback, the girl resorts to the old standby that any 15-year-old would rely on in this situation: "Oh, bite me, Cybersix!"

Then, predictably, the girl gasps and lifts her hand to her mouth, realizing what she's just said.

Now that Cybersix has a kind and gentle soul is a fact often repeated. But at this point even she is unable to keep herself from grinning. (Come on, people, the type walked right into that one). Merely trying to be amicable, she does as the type requested.

****

Cybersix Gets A New Sidekick (Temporarily)

After finishing with the type, Cybersix strolls slowly through Merridiana's back streets, happy that she'll be living for another while yet. She wonders idly where Data 7 is.

"Cybersix." A voice says from behind her. She turns around.

"Yashimoto! What are you doing out here?"

"Oh, just taking care of some business." The private eye replies. "But it's a good thing I ran into you. A while ago I was passing by Jose's mansion; there's a strange car there and whole lot of fixed ideas hanging around the yard. I'd say something's up."

"Really? I'd better go check it out." Cybersix sighs. "If only Data 7 were here."

"Where is he?"

"I don't know. He's probably just off doing his own thing. But now I have no sidekick. A super hero needs a sidekick, you know."

"I'll be your sidekick for tonight."

Cybersix likes this idea. "Okay. Let's go see what Jose's up to."

****

Data 7's Day at the Zoo (part 1)

Data 7 wakes up feeling like a sandbag. He looks blearily around him... and realizes he's in a cage. Where is he?

"Jim! Come and see the panther we caught last night. It's a big, healthy male. He'll bring in the  crowds all right."

Crowds?... _Holy shit_. (Data 7 doesn't habitually swear to himself, but there you have it). _They've stuck me in the zoo!_

Two men appear from around the corner of his cage. One of them whistles. "You're right, he's a fine specimen."

Data 7 raises his head and looks indignantly back at them. He does not appreciate being whistled at, nor being called a "fine specimen." Well, no matter; he can escape as soon as these two have their backs turned.

"He'll made a great addition to our breeding program too."

Wait. Breeding program? Well, maybe he can stick around for a little while... Shame on you, Data 7. What would your sister say? (Little does Data 7 know his sister will soon be doing some breeding of her own. Don't you just love foreshadowing?).

PART 2

What (or rather who's) Up At Jose's Mansion

"Father!" Jose exclaims as VonReichter walks through the door. "What are you doing here?"

"You know very well what I'm doing here. I know you stole the sample DNA for my new monster."

Jose grins like a Golden Retriever caught with his master's Kashmir sweater. "Oh, well, I, uh, just wanted to study it..."

"Yeah, sure, and I'm the queen of England. Fixed ideas! Find me that sample!" He turns back to Jose. "I will deal with you personally-"

"Master! Master!" A techno bursts suddenly into the room. "We've caught Cybersix!"

"What? You're kidding me."

"No, really! Her and some human." Sure enough, three fixed ideas stomp into the room, holding Cybersix rather firmly between them. They're followed closely by a type carrying Yashimoto's limp body.

VonReichter manages to keep the surprise from his face. "Cybersix. So nice of you to you come to the party. And who's this man with you? Your new sidekick?"

"Yes." Cybersix replies simply. (She's faking being caught, of course - she couldn't let Yashimoto be taken into the mansion by himself).

"Where's Data 7?"

"I don't know."

"She's lying. Fixed ideas, hold on to her for now - and I mean really hold on. Cybersix, I have a little matter with Jose to see to first, then I'll be right with you. Jose!" He points toward the basement stairs. "With me. Now."

Jose sighs, crosses his arms over his chest, and sticks out his lower lip, but he does follow his father down the stairs.

Yashimoto begins to stir in the grip of the type who has him. He wakes up abruptly, looks around, and delivers a fast, hard palm strike to the type's chin. Cybersix moves quickly, breaking the fixed ideas' hold on her - since Yashimoto started something, she has to follow it through. Full of adrenaline, she throws one fixed idea at the other and then runs to help Yashimoto. But just as she reaches him, he elbows his captor in the solar plexus and gets away.

"This way!" Cybersix calls. She runs up the staircase to the second-floor, planning to escape out a window. Yashimoto follows, one of the (obviously smarter) fixed ideas hot on his heels. Half way up the stairs, the F.I. grabs Yashimoto by the back of his shirt collar and drags him back down. Cybersix doesn't notice.

The fixed idea drags him into a room that must have been a parlor. Three of his brothers are inside. Yashimoto gets pushed into the center of the room, and the three other fixed ideas close in to surround him.

Yashimoto looks up after the monsters blocking his path, trying to think fast. He knows that he can't defeat so many fixed ideas just by brute force, black belt or not. Then he remembers what Cybersix told him about the way they think. "Hey guys, look at this!"

He pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and starts playing through all its different rings.

"Ooh." One of the fixed ideas comments, his fellows echoing his sentiments.

"Pretty sounds, aren't they? Do you want to try?" Yashimoto hands the phone to the nearest F.I, who begins pushing all the buttons trying to get it to ring. The others crowd around him, wanting a turn. They've completely forgotten about their prisoner.

Yashimoto looks from one to the other, watching the confused and delighted expressions on their faces. "So," he says conversationally. "How many of you does it take to change a light bulb?"

All the fixed ideas stop what they're doing. They look at Yashimoto, brows furrowing in consternation. One of them seems to remember his original task and reaches out for Yashimoto. He turns and runs from the room, reaching into his pocket again and throwing his miniature camera over his shoulder as he goes. Hopefully that will keep them busy for another few minutes. He heads for the stairs again, following Cybersix.

He reaches the top of the stairs and looks behind him. VonReichter and some of his goons are just getting on the bottom step - someone must have called the scientist.

Yashimoto turns a corner, not knowing where to go. Hands reach out from a closet and grab him. He's smart enough to realize it's Cybersix and doesn't cry out. She closes the door of the closet and two of them are left in the dark.

Yashimoto can hear footsteps approaching. He unconsciously raises his hand to steady himself against the wall. It touches something round and soft. Both he and Cybersix start to make the sound of a gasp, (or maybe a squeak, or perhaps a yelp), before they are able stop themselves.

That's enough for one of the nearby technos to hear them. The closet doors open to reveal a small crowd looking at them. Yashimoto has a flash of deja vu from his teenage years.

Cybersix quickly gets out of the closet to avoid being cornered.

"Well, well." VonReichter walks closer to them. "You thought could get away from me, and then you go and get yourself caught. How charming."

"Why are you here, VonReichter?" Cybersix growls.

"I came to pay a courtesy call to my son. It's a happy coincidence you decided to visit at the same time." As he's been speaking, the upstairs hallway has continued to fill with his minions, and now the space is packed. VonReichter gives her his best menacing look . "In this house there are 21 fixed ideas, 9 types, and I'm not even sure how many technos. Those are odds even you can't beat. Now march yourself and your friend down to the basement. Or else." He turns to give orders to a nearby techno.

"Or else what?"

VonReichter turns back to face them. "Pardon me?"

Yashimoto gets himself of the closet. "Or else _what_?" He repeats. "Could you elaborate on that, please?"

VonReichter looks at him like he's crazy. "I'm a villain. I'm not required to elaborate on 'Or else.' It's in the handbook." He reaches into the breast pocket of his Army outfit, withdraws a small red book, and tosses it to Yashimoto. "Page 43."

Yashimoto flips through the book to the indicated page and takes a moment to read. "Ah yes, you're correct. " He says, nodding. "My apologies."

"Oh, no apology necessary. Now, like I said, get moving down the-"

"Master! Master!" It's that same techno as before. (His code name is Jim).  "The police are here!"

"What?!"

"The police - that is, the FBI, the RCMP, or whatever a similar organization is called in Argentina!" (Yes this is an odd thing for Jim to say, however the author did not have the time or the fortitude to research what the FBI, the RCMP, or whatever a similar organization is called in Argentina).

One of the police bursts through the crowd of minions. "Mr. VonReichter, you're under arrest!" He proclaims.

VonReichter gasps in righteous outrage. "For what? What crime have I committed that I could get arrested for, answer me that!"

"Tax evasion." The police chief responds plainly.

"Tax evasion!" VonReichter, Cybersix and Yashimoto all say more or less in unison, all of them in stunned disbelief.

The police chief 's deputy looks at him triumphantly. "I knew we'd get the bastard some day, Jim."

***

Data 7 's Day at the Zoo (Part 2)

Data 7 stands back and surveys his handiwork. Not bad, really. He looks at the morning sun rising over the horizon. He had quickly figured out he couldn't escape by brute force and would have to use more creative means.

A caretaker approaches the front of Data 7 's enclosure. "Good morning, Mr. Pan- hey, what is that?" He looks down at the message Data 7 has written on the sandy ground: LET ME OUT.

"My God, that looks like the words "Let me out."

Data 7 nods. He holds up a paw, indicating for the man to wait, then scratches out the message and writes a new one: VERY GOOD.

The man gasps (whoa, bet you didn't see that one coming) and stares at Data 7's face. The panther does his best to make a human smile. The man opens the cage's door (which proves once and for all that he's an idiot).  "What - who are you?"

Who is he? What kind of question is that to ask him? Data 7 gets a sudden flash of inspiration... no, he shouldn't. It would be in bad taste. But on the other hand, what dignity does he have left? He scratches out his message again and writes a new one: I AM GOD.

The man named Jim's eyes and roll up in his head and he faints. Data 7 waltzes out the open door.

*****

And Now, What You've All Been Waiting For...

...Sex.

The next night, after the loyal sidekick has escaped his prison and the evil villain has gone to jail (all be it for tax evasion), Lucas and Cybersix are standing in front of Lucas' bedroom door. None of the lights in the apartment are on, but blue light from the full moon streams in through the open window. Cybersix walks purposefully toward Lucas.

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Lucas whispers to her quietly. (Note the romantic mood here). 

Cybersix rolls her eyes and sighs heavily. "Oh, I'm ready baby. Now come on!" With that she grabs Lucas by the collar of his shirt, drags him bodily into the bedroom, and slams the door behind them.

Sometime later...

"Oh, that was great. Let's do it again, Lucas."

"Hey, you don't have to ask me twice."

Sometime even later...

"Whew! And I thought sex was overrated. Let's do it again, Lucas."

"Uh, okay, I'll try."

Sometime even later...

"Let's do it again, Lucas."

"Grrooaan."

Sometime in the wee hours of the morning...

"Let's do it again, Lucas. ....Lucas?"

"zzzzzzzzzzzzz"

(What were you expecting? Cybersix is superhuman, after all).

And they all lived happily ever after (Though Lucas was exhausted). 

THE END

(No fixed ideas were harmed in the making of this fic).


End file.
